For New Mamas
In March of 2015 my sister will give birth to her first child. I am beyond thrilled to be an Auntie and cannot wait to kiss my sweet nieces’ little face. I do, however, find it very necessary to prepare my dear sister for the reality of motherhood. What kind of older sister would I be if I didn’t? Besides, she cannot rely on only books to educate her.
[My Beautiful pregnant sister, and my sweet Mason]
Before I became a mother I read many, many books: books on breast feeding, books on the developmental stages of children, books on pregnancy--you name it, I read it. These books did not, however, prepare me for what happens after you bring your bundle of joy home. This, to me, is a travesty and by far the most important thing. Pregnancy is only nine months of your life, having a child is for-ev-ver.
So, in honor of my sister, I have composed a list of important things I think new mommies should know. I promise, once that baby leaves your va-jay-jay you will be thanking the Baby Lord Jesus that you read this and are fully prepared for the adventure of motherhood. You’re welcome.
Uterine massage: within the first hour of giving birth, your nurse will come in and check your uterus. During that time he or she will give you a uterine massage. I am not talking about the relaxing, Zen-music-playing-in-the-background kind of massage; it is more of an I-am-going-to-cause-you-excruciating-pain-until-your-uterus-shrinks kind of massage. They do this to make sure that helps your body expels the placenta and to prevent you from dying of a hemorrhage. In the scheme of things, a painful massage is much better than dying.
Pads: Keep them on you at all times. You may be unaware of this, but you will bleed for approximately six weeks post-partum (why did no one ever tell me this?) Just when you think your bleeding is over, you will find yourself eating dinner with your family at Sweet Tomatoes, bleeding and pad-less. It is not a good look.
Porn Star Breasts: Once your mature milk comes in your boobs will literally blow up. They will be veiny, leaky and larger than life. While your husband will be thrilled with this new development, I would not suggest allowing him to touch, grab or caress them; he may be shot suddenly in the eye with breast milk. Consider yourself warned.
Night Sweats: Originally when I googled night sweats, the first thing that popped up was: cancer. Please, please, do not be alarmed. You don’t have cancer. These night sweats are the result of freakish hormones raging through your body. Give it a week and you will no longer be soaking your sheets.
Sex: At the six-week mark your doctor will give you the okay for a roll in the hay. Between your body being covered in breast milk, being so tired you are delirious, random bleeding and night sweats, you may not be feeling very sexy or ready for a trip to Neverland. Don’t worry, your sex drive will re-appear; just give it time.
Other moms: Other moms will offer you advice even when you didn’t ask for it (oh, the irony). While you are completely sleep deprived, they will tell you how their babies slept through the night at one day old and what they did to make that happen. They will then give you step-by-step instructions on what to do. Remember to smile and nod.
Facebook: This might be the most important take away from this list yet. Facebook is a sea of lies. No woman’s child is as cute, clean, well napped or happy as she presents on any form of social media. If you ever find yourself shaking your fist, cussing at or wanting to throw your phone, tablet or computer, it may be time for a hiatus. We will all understand.
Instincts: Always remember that you are the mama: trust yourself. You have carried and nurtured that little human for nine months. You will know what is best for your child and be attuned to what your sweet baby will need.
Now that you have been educated and handed the honest truth, you are now prepared to step into motherhood. If at anytime you feel like you’re loosing your mind to the physical, emotional and life changes that have occurred, pull up this list and have a good laugh. Above all things remember that infancy passes quickly, you will sleep again and your life, while different, will be full.
