PPS
[Here is a picture of my test. Am I crazy?]
Pregnancy is one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure. I’ve done it twice, and it is not something that I would like to do again. From sickness, exhaustion, and surgery, this mama is done having children. Even though I am done having children, there have been a few occasions I was scared out of my mind thinking I may be pregnant again. Of all the things I have experienced the Post Pregnancy Scare (PPS) is the most terrifying.
PPS is characterized by mania that makes a woman have irrational fear that she is immediately pregnant again after giving birth. Fear is then followed by excessive pregnancy test purchases that result in many, many negative tests. Then, even though those tests are negative, this woman convinces herself and her husband that she actually sees two lines, instead of one. There are then subsequent pregnancy test purchases just to double check that this woman is in fact, not pregnant.
After my first PPS I thought I would be more prepared the second time around, this, however, was not the case. Once I had gotten the okay from my doctor to resume regular sexual activity, I began exhibiting symptoms of PPS. A few weeks after going to funky town, I told my husband that I thought I was pregnant; I had to be, I was exhibiting classic signs: my breasts hurt, I was emotional, hungry all the time and threw up after eating Roberto’s. He laughed and discredited all my fears by saying: “You’re breastfeeding and not sleeping; of course you feel that way. As for the Roberto’s-I think that was food poisoning.” He also reminded me that I worried like this after Mason was born too and I wasn’t pregnant then. While my husband’s points were rational and valid, I was in no position to accept them as true.
That is when the pregnancy testing began. The first box of tests was completely negative. While I was relived, I was not satisfied. I was sure that I had tested too early and decided to wait a few days to test again. In second box of pregnancy test I got one negative test and one that showed two, barley visible, faint lines. I really had to squint, in the sunlight to see that second line, but it was there. When my husband got home from work, I burst into tears and tried breaking the news to him gently. He was surprised, but happy and told me that even though this was not the plan, we would find a way to make it work. A few hours after the news had settled in my husband came across my pregnancy test in the bathroom. He returned to the kitchen with smirk, the test in hand and asked,
“Is this your ‘positive’ pregnancy test?”
“Of course it is!”
“Honey, this is negative.”
“No it’s not. Hold it up to the light.”
“Candace, it’s negative.”
I couldn’t believe he was saying such a thing. Sure, the line was faint, but it was there and in my experience a person cannot get a false positive. The only solution was to wait another day or two and test again. So I did. And my results were exactly the same.
That is when the Googling began. I Googled everything: faint positive pregnancy test, false positive pregnancy test, pregnancy testing too early, pregnant after giving birth; I could go on for days. What I came up with was absolutely nothing. I was more confused than ever. Half of the answers to my questions said I was definitely pregnant, the other half said there was no way that I was. Again, the only way to solve this problem was to buy and take more pregnancy tests.
The next batch was negative. I began to think that maybe I was crazy and had only imagined a second line. I decided to take one more test and be done with the craziness. This time, I did not read my results right away. I got carried away breastfeeding my infant, making lunch for my three year old and feeding the dog. When I came back to my test, two hours later, there were two faint lines. By this time I was furious. I couldn’t handle the back and fourth. Was I pregnant or not? I wanted an answer and fast. I decided to make a doctor’s appointment for peace of mind.
The next day as I sat and waited for the doctor, I rehearsed what I would say: I’d been feeling tired, I threw up, and then I’d tell her about the faint positive pregnancy tests. When she entered, she could tell that I was stressed (I can’t imagine why). She told me that my blood pressure was dangerously high and told me she had to re-take it to make sure I was okay. After a few deep breaths I was able to calm down enough to allow my blood pressure to return to normal. I couldn’t believe that I was stressing out to the point of causing myself danger. I guess pregnancy can do that to a person. The doctor decided to do blood work to confirm or deny my pregnancy and said she’d be in touch in a few days with the results.
A few days? I was dying to know! I didn’t even want to wait a few hours. I spent the rest of the weekend restraining myself from taking anymore pregnancy test. Lord knows I had already spent a small fortune.
When Monday rolled around I was on pins and needles. Every time my phone rang my stomach felt jumpy. I was anxious and nervous about the results. Before I could hear them though, I took a trip to the restroom only to discover my old friend Aunt Flo had come to visit.
You’ve got to be kidding me. All this stress and worry for nothing? Had I really imagined those lines? Apparently.
Within minutes of my discovery my phone rang, of course. Isn’t this how these things usually go? My doctor seemed excited to share the news that I was not pregnant, maybe she knew how much a negative result would me to mean. Either way, my period’s arrival and the phone call allowed the dark clouds to part and let the sun shine through once again. I rejoiced and thanked God for not giving me another child.
Crawling into to bed that night I reflected on the last two weeks of insanity. I took away a few things: 1. Sometimes (more like rarely) your husband is right, 2. Make sure to read your pregnancy test results right away and when you do, don’t squint; if you have to, you may also be suffering from PPS, 3. Protection is always a great idea.
